DASHBOARD (Unaudited)
Projected Revenue
$420,000,000
Backed by vibes and optimistic Excel formulas
Net Income
–$69,420,000
Technically not illegal, just creative accounting
Burn Rate
119.7%
Exceeding expectations and runway
Clientele Serviced
75,000
all with longterm commitments.
Revenue Streams
0
But several streams of consciousness
Auditor
Chad
He is not licensed, but he is available on Discord
THE REVENUE MODEL
Revenue is a misunderstood metric. At $REVENUE, we recognize that traditional revenue models — based on sales, services, or actual demand — are incompatible with modern tokenized abstraction.
Rather than pursue unstable and outdated sources of income such as “product-market fit” or “user transactions,” we have adopted a cleaner and more scalable model: claiming we already have revenue.
Our strategy is built on projected fundamentals. These include unaudited earnings, simulated cash flow, and line items that sound real. Through aggressive accounting optimism, we present a consistent illusion of performance regardless of actual activity.
All figures are forward-looking, sentiment-driven, and supported by community consensus. This makes them ungovernable by reality and resilient to regulation.
In lieu of financial statements, we release quarterly infographics with upward arrows. Stakeholders are encouraged to interpret these freely. We do not provide clarification.
Finally, we believe true revenue is not something you earn — it is something you price in. At $REVENUE, we dont generate it. We are it.
THE ROADMAP
Q1 2025 — Token launch + fake 10-Q filing ✅
Q2 2025 — Hire CFO from Discord 🟡
Q3 2025 — Simulate buybacks 🔜
Q4 2025 — SEC FUD campaign 🚨
EXECUTIVE TEAM
Jeffrey Skilling
Chief Forward Guidance Officer
Former Enron CEO. Expert in earnings illusions and mark-to-meme accounting.
Elizabeth Holmes
Head of Revenue Fabrication
Former Theranos founder. Brings a visionary approach to non-existent business models.
Sam Bankman-Fried
Decentralized Liquidity Strategist
FTX alumnus. Specializes in routing value through spreadsheets and Bahamas backdoors.